“Don’t ever save anything for a special occasion. Being alive is the special occasion.”

― Mary Engelbreit

Going shopping for new clothes used to bring me short lived and temporary euphoria. I loved trailing the shops, hated going into changing rooms to try on and always waited until I got home, often to be disappointed by sizing or fit and skipped gaily along the High St with my bags swinging from my wrists.

The more bags I carried, the happier I felt.

The more bags I took home, the higher the dopamine high.

The more bags whose contents I spread across the bed to admire, touch and absorb through my senses, the lower the fall hours or days later.

The fall was hard.

The happiness and pleasure was short-lived. Of course.

Did I wear the clothes I liked or use the items I had bought?

Absolutely not.

Oh no, no.

These clothes that gave me temporary pleasure and the items I had lusted over owning, were not for now.

They were special and valued and only to be used when I deserved to wear them or use them.

Many a time, they remained hanging in my wardrobe or shrouded in a cupboard with their price tags on for months or even years. Time and time again, I rediscovered them when packing to move house or country. Many a time the seasons had changed and so had fashion and my taste or size or shape or interest.

Does that make sense to you?

I’m sure it says a lot about my feelings of self worth. It says, “you must BE more or have achieved more or BE successful in something or another before you can indulge in the pleasure these things you have bought yourself”

Just what would the special occasion have to be for me to allow myself the feelings of pleasure, joy, excitement and satisfaction?

I call BS on that now.

My life is taking a detour from the path I have been actively calling in this year. Mind you, with the current world situation and chaos and uncertainty, many people are also taking an unexpected path or detour. I know I am not alone. I also accept and surrender to my current situation and lifestyle. I accept I have chosen it and that is OK.

What is not Ok is saving anything for a special occasion.

As Mary Engelbreit says, being ALIVE is a special occasion.

AMEN to that.

Yes, things are challenging for us and no, we are not in the same boat but very much in the same storm. Some of us are having a much harder time than others and I acknowledge that.

Some of us will not survive.

For every day I am alive, I am grateful. For every day I can wake up safe in a bed with food to eat and friends to talk to, I am appreciative. For every day I can hear birds sing, smell the aroma of wet leaves and grass and taste a juicy apple or orange, my gratitude jar is full.

I get it if we feel scared and lost. I go there regularly. What I won’t do, is stay there and wallow in those feelings.

BEing alive is a miracle and a gift and saving feeling alive for a special occasion is completely missing the point.